Madam Toni is the Cult of the Drunken Prophet’s very own astrologer. We thought it was about time she got the recognition she deserved so chief editor Grant Taylor picked up his pen and paper, donned his flack jacket and went to ask astrology’s most badass professional a few enticing questions.

So tell the readers a little bit about yourself?

I was born in Belarus in the aftermath of WWII. Times were hard back then and the bombings had destroyed most of the strip clubs meaning my Mum struggled to pursue here career as a pole dancer. Luckily my Dad had a degree in media studies with theoretical astro-physics from the Open University so the British sneaked us out of the Soviet Union disguised as a consignment of polish ham. He worked for the British government as a chief media analyst and my mum opened a lap dancing club in Soho. I had a wonderful childhood it was all poles and black holes.

So how did you get into Astrology?

I have always had psychic abilities. These were first noticed by my mother as a child. I knew Buddy Holly was dead even before the plain crash was announced on the radio. I was playing in the backyard of our home in London with my friend Sue. We were seeing if the washing line could be used as a tight rope. I told Sue to go first as she was the lightest. I was an over weight child even though my mum couldn’t afford much. We were that poor she had to chop mince! Anyhow sue tries to walk across the washing line and it snaps. She falls and lands head first in the peg basket. She was ok but I knew it was a sign. Later I found out about Buddies death. Astrology was a natural way to challenge my psychic gift!

You claim to be able to contact the dead. Have you ever seen the spirits of any famous people?

Claim? It’s a fact fool! Celebrities seem to be attracted to me. Elvis is a right pain in the ass. He’s always coming round shaking his hips, calling me booty momma and asking for a large beef burger. He’s dead so he isn’t able to eat the burgers I cook him. Usually he gets all sad and starts singing Heartbreak Hotel which is good fun. The Notorious B.I.G also pops round from time to time. He’s a great guy and I used to tarot readings for him when he was alive. It’s good to know that in the after life him and Tu Pac have put their differences behind them. Remember brothers and sisters peace is the answer, not war!

Do you do card readings or horoscopes for any other famous people?

Oh yes, Mr T was a client of mine throughout the seventies and eighties. It was me who told him to do the A Team. He wasn’t sure but when I drew the Emperor, The Magician, Strength and the Fool card I knew he should take the role. Each card corresponds to a character in the TV show. We read through the first script together. The original plan was to have BA as a gay guy. It was the eighties and after the rise of Disco and the hits of the Village People in the seventies the TV bosses wanted to appeal to the gay community. Mr T wasn’t sure at first as he was worried he may tarnish his macho image and he didn’t want to piss off his hetro fans. I said as long as he played it butch no one would notice. They ditched the gay angle after they realised Knightrider had beat them to it. That said you can still see the gay under currents in BA and Murdoch’s relationship. The A Team is really a love story between the two of them.

Recently I’ve done some tarot card readings for David Bowie after his involvement in the Bowie and Me comic strip. The cards told him not to do another Tin Machine album. Proof if any was needed that the cards never lie. I hope David listens to the cards!

You’re a big fan of Gangster Rap. Don’t you worry it promotes violence and misogyny?

Hell people have got to stop blaming music for the world’s problems! There was wife beating and drive by shootings centuries before Rap came on the scene. I’ve lived in the slums of Birmingham and LA and let me tell you life in the ghetto is tough! Cats like Dr Dre and Ice T are just telling it how it is. I used to pimp whores back in Birmingham. It’s an honest days work and anyone who tells you any different deserves a cap in their ass!

What projects are you currently working on?

Well I’m helping the Drunken Prophet on his second addition of the Alcohol Tarot which we’ve been researching in the bar of the horse and Jockey for about six months now. He’s on the verge of securing a major publishing deal with Virgin books so hopefully that will spread the word of the Cult of the Drunken Prophet far and wide. I’m designing my own Alligator Wrestling tarot deck which I’m shooting this fall in the Everglades. Just hope I can get Gentle Ben involved.

What’s your favourite alcoholic beverage?

Chilli rum, it’s hot and smooth and makes you shit like a wildcat.

What’s the best city to go out drinking in?

Any cities great to go out drinking in! But if I had to pick my favourite it would be New Orleans’s. It’s the place I call home now and it has some of the best bars in the world. If I get bored of the bars I head down the graveyard for a game of chess and a bottle of rum with the Baron.

When’s the last time you got so drunk you puked?

Christmas 1973. I was visiting my cousin in Belarus and we had been drinking vodka and were on our way home in a taxi. I felt the presence of my grandfather Gregory Rasputin before throwing up in the back of the taxi. The driver threw us out and drove off. Ten seconds later he skids on a patch of black ice and crashes straight into a lamppost. After that I found out I could read the future from a bucket of sick. Cat sick works the best but you have to be careful you don’t interpret the hairs for a visit by the IRS.

Got any good cocktail recipes?

Yes loads but the best is Madam’s Monsoon one I invented myself. Take a large tall glass add crushed ice and pour in a shot of dark rum, a shot of spiced rum and a shot of white rum. Fill nearly to the top with coke and then drizzle in a shot of cherry brandy. What ever you do don’t stir it! It’s a great cocktail and a great way to produce a bucket of sick for one of my vomit readings.

Why should someone reading this join the Cult of the Drunken Prophet?

Because in an age of religious conservatism where the tribes of Israel spill blood across the land, the Cult of The Drunken prophet provides love and sanctuary from a world of violence. That and the fact we have a subsidised bar.